I want to open up a conversation on depression. It’s not something I usually talk about, because…well…….I don’t really know why. I think I see it as a sign of weakness (even thought I should know it’s not) and I’m always the one who’s supposed to be strong. I’m always the one who’s supposed to be the one everyone counts on. I don’t ask for help, I’m supposed to give it.
Since I’m new at blogging I don’t have many readers, but I do publish this to my Facebook. So, in my mind, it feels like I’m risking a lot putting it out there in regards to how people perceive me. I not only suffer from depression, but anxiety too, which means my anxiety is now talking to me in the back of my mind. It’s playing all sorts of horrible scenarios from what people will say about me when they read this.
First, I’m not doing this for any pity from anyone. What I’m hoping to do here is to open discussions between people, maybe convince someone to go talk to their doctor if you see similarities between how I’m feeling and your own feelings. Maybe it will help others understand depression and how those affected feel. I’m also giving myself the accountability to do something about my depression creeping in on me.
I don’t know why, but it seems like there’s so many more people with depression now days. Maybe it’s just beginning to be talked about more, maybe the constant hustle and bustle of the world today is pushing more people into depression.
I’ve struggled with Depression for years and was officially diagnosed with severe depression around 2008. Looking back at my life, I’m pretty sure I’ve struggled with it possibly all the way back to grade school. Since my diagnosis, I’ve been on medication twice. I have been able to (mostly) manage off medication for a few years now. What helps me manage off medication is finding a way to balance my hormones and my life. My magic combo seems to be regular exercise, improved eating habits and using essential oils from time to time.
Going off medication is not for everyone and you should always work with your doctor to make that decision.
When I exercise regularly, eat better and take time for myself and am able to stay relatively ‘organized’ I can handle things just fine. But, when life starts to get busy and I stop doing these things for me, and start to get unorganized, I can start to feel the depression creep back in after a while. I have learned the signs that mean I’m slipping back into depression and I have learned to push myself to do something about it.
Lately I’m feeling depression creeping back. But I’ve only just realized this.
Below outlines how I know I’m falling back to my depression.
- The house is messy and I can’t seem to get it clean. Since I work full time and we have several things going on during the week, I usually do the majority of the cleaning on the weekends. We’ve been so busy lately that the weekend cleaning isn’t happening. The kitchen is the worst….so that means I avoid it. The laundry is always there, even when I get it all done..at the end of the day, when we all go to bed….it starts a new pile and there it is again. When I walk in my kitchen and laundry room, I literally get a feeling of pressure in my chest. Mentally, I can almost see a dark cloud over my head, too.
- Recently, I have been so unmotivated, that I’m not doing what needs to get done before bed time. I literally am not motivated to get up off the couch after the kids are in bed. Because I’m not doing anything until it’s time to go to bed, I am lacking sleep. I haven’t been sleeping more than 5-6 hours a night, sometimes I’m lucky to get 4.
- I don’t want to do things…well I want to do things, like Tae Kwon Do class, but when it’s time to go, I just don’t can’t get motivated to get out the door. Which is sad because I’m always so energized when I’m done!
- I have started to have pity parties for myself in my mind.
I have learned when I’m feeling like this, I’m heading back into depression and probably already there. I don’t always see it right away, but at some point I realize what’s happening. That is what happened to me this week.
So, I’m going to do something about it! And I’m sharing with all of you to help keep me accountable. That is my motivator.
It was Friday when I wrote this and I do my shopping on Saturdays. So the plan I laid out was this.
- Friday night I would get my meal plan ready for the week. I planned to pick easy, healthy meals so I can start to re-balance my body, but not feel stuck in the kitchen.
- I’m going to get back to my morning smoothie.
- I’m going to get the kitchen cleaned. So when I get home from the store I can put all my groceries where they need to go and lightly prep some of the items that I can use for snacks and my smoothies for the week.
- I’m going to MAKE time to get to Yoga next week and I’m going to make sure to get my other two days of exercise in.
- I’m going to get the kids back into doing their chores, (It’s been so busy for them too, so I’ve been letting it slip) so I don’t feel like the weight of the entire house is on me.
I don’ talk about this usually, there’s really no one to talk to who understands. I am already starting to feel better after sharing (please no negative comments to make me regret putting this out there).
If you are struggling or think you might be, please go see your doctor. If you have friends that seem overwhelmed or withdrawn, please ask them if they’d like to talk.
Also, please click on these links for more information on depression