Oops I Did It Again

I haven’t written in a long time.  I wasn’t happy with all that was going on last year around the election.  And face it, things still are ridiculous on the internet a year later.  I really didn’t feel like I have much to add to the good ‘old internet.  And for sure, probably not anyone cares to read since I don’t plan on tailoring my writing to match all the BS that’s out there right now.  Though what I have to say, is probably not that interesting, it did act as good therapy for me.  It’s probably something that I should have thought about and considered earlier.  So, why am I back?

Well,  I hit a wall yesterday.  I had a break-down.  Some may know, or not know, that I have struggled with depression for at least the last 9 years.  I suspect longer, but 9 years ago I received an official diagnosis of Sever depression at the time.  About 5 years ago, I was able to go off my medication for the last time. I have been pretty successful at catching myself slip into depression over those last 6 years and was always able to pull myself out of it.  This time, not so much!  I can only be glad it was on one of the days I was working from home and no one else saw it.  I barely even saw it coming.  I only just realized my depression was back and I was very far into it.  The realization hit me about two weeks ago and I was trying to figure out what I needed in order to pull myself out so that I wouldn’t have to go back on any meds.

There’s been a lot going on.  I think the key thing is, I’ve been unhappy at work for quite a while now and I thought it was the distance I have to drive.  I had started to look for some leads on a new job.  However, with the realization that I fell into depression a couple weeks ago, I started looking at things much closer.  It’s possible the drive isn’t my biggest problem.  I came to the realization dissatisfaction with my job may be the issue.  I was coming up with a plan to talk with my boss and see if a change in duties, might help.  I thought if I don’t mind what I’m doing, then maybe the drive won’t seem so bad anymore.  Right now, the position I have feels like I get everyone’s problems passed to me and I have to figure it out.  Once it’s figured out, it feels like no one wants to learn.  Just do things like always and when they can’t figure the next issue out, send it to Tammy and she’ll take care of it. Now if this was the job as designed and as interviewed for, maybe I wouldn’t care…but it’s not.  It’s not what it was supposed to be and I can’t do it anymore.  I knew things were bad when I literally just wanted to walk out of work, drive home and get back in bed.  I literally had to talk myself out of just leaving.

I think a lot of people who know me realize that it’s hard for me to ask for help.  I’m the one who’s supposed to have her shit together and can handle thing.  I’m supposed to be the dependable one.  There are others with more issues than me, so I don’t want to bother people with mine.  I’ve got the reputation with people who know me that I’m the strong one who can handle things.  But the truth is I can’t.  I try, but trying not to fall apart is stressful in itself.  I don’t really talk a lot anyway (I know some close friends would beg to differ-but they’re close friends) and I’ve really reduced what I share with people.  Well, not unless I’ve known you for a while.  Because it always seems when I share with someone I haven’t known very long, they ended up talking about me behind my back.  I’m pretty sure I’m so awkward people are glad when their time talking to me is done.

Yesterday, I just couldn’t do it!  I was annoyed with the workday when I went to Kickboxing at lunch.  I was happy it was bag day, so I could kick/hit some things.  I pushed as hard as I could, but my head kept drifting to various thoughts.  For heaven sake, I started crying in the car after class.  Nothing happened…I just started crying.  I think my body had had enough and said, “You keep pushing the tears back in, you don’t get your way this time!”  I had a couple almost episodes at work last week and one earlier this week.  Today my body said, “Nope, you need this!”  Problem was, I couldn’t stop.  I cried on the ride home, I cried on the computer, I cried in the shower.  Every time I thought I had it together, I cried again.  So, reluctantly I picked up the phone and swallowed my pride and called for an appointment.  And yes, I cried while doing that..as hard as I tried not to.  I was, thankfully, able to get a “same day” appointment.

Luckily, I had a good friend who offered to stop by until my appointment.  It was good to have someone to talk to who I knew wouldn’t judge what I was saying/feeling.

So now, I’m back where I didn’t want to be.  Back on depression and anxiety medication.  But this time I’m trying what I should have done last time.  I’m going to set up meetings with a counselor.  It was a suggestion made last time I was put on meds, but I didn’t do it.  This time is different.  I think there’s a lot I’m afraid to share with people.  I think maybe there’s more to my depression/anxiety that I may know.  I know I don’t have as good of memories of things very far back like others…maybe there’s some reason my mind doesn’t look back to the past.  I can think of a few things, but I guess I never thought they affected me that much.  Maybe they did.

I have always had in my mind that I wanted Mom Wants Balance to be a way for me to find the balance I have long felt missing in my life.  I know if I have these issues, there are other people who do too.  Maybe working mothers, maybe stay at home mothers, maybe women who aren’t even mothers.  Heck, maybe not even a woman.  I know there are men that have these issues too.

I am going to do my best to post more diligently.  It’s good therapy.  I don’t know what the topics will always be.  I don’t want to always be a downer, but I will be posting about my struggles at times.  However, I also want to show positive things.  Lord knows there’s enough negative stuff on the internet.  So I will try to figure out how to share positive stories that I come across too.  I don’t just want to become a site that reblogs everyone’s news, but I think there’s a serious lack in happy things on the internet and I will try to do my best to help put more of them out there.